Fun disclaimers

In addition to the stupid ones, there are some fun disclaimers.

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the Yorkshire terrier next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft: However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

Or this one:

***** IMPORTANT INFORMATION/DISCLAIMER *****
This document should be read only by those persons to whom it is addressed. If you have received this message it was obviously addressed to you and therefore you can read it, even if we didn't mean to send it to you. However, if the contents of this email make no sense whatsoever then you probably were not the intended recipient, or, you are a mindless cretin; either way, you should immediately delete yourself & destroy your computer! Once you have taken this action please contact us.. no you idiot, you can't use your computer, you just destroyed it, and by the way, you are also deleted, but we digress......

The Originator of this email is not liable for the transmission of the information contained in this communication, unless they are the originator in which case they probably are liable and rightly so considering the content of the aforementioned communication.

In the event that the originator did not send this email to you, then please return it to us and attach a scanned-in picture of your mothers brothers wife wearing nothing but camiknickers, and we will immediately refund you exactly half of what you paid for the can of Pal Meaty-Bites you bought when you went to Woolies yesterday.

We take no responsibility for non-receipt of this email because we are running Windows NT & everyone knows how glitchy that can be. In the event that you do get this message then please note that we take no responsibility for that either. Nor will we accept any liability, tacit or implied, for any damage you may or may not incur as a result of receiving, or not, as the case may be, from time to time, notwithstanding all liabilities implied or otherwise, ummm,shit, where was I..umm, no matter what happens, IT's NOT, and NEVER WILL BE, OUR FAULT!

The comments & opinions expressed herein are my own and NOT those of my employer, who, if he knew I was sending emails and surfing porno sites,would cut off my gonads and feed them to me for afternoon tea.